Just for Fun!

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Just for Fun!

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm." The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So, without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies"?

"Really"? He said. "Have you tried mouthwash"?

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, leapt into the air waving his front legs, and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a pair of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Answering Machine Messages:

*Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

*Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

*This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

*This is the refrigerator. The answering machine is busy right now, but if you leave a message I will stick it to myself with a cow magnet.

THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ...I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in! silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

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